Spend a little, die a lot

DUNDALK  – In what passers-by described as a ‘violent cataclysm of blood-soaked chaos’, the rush for this week’s special offer at the local Aldi store claimed three lives on Wednesday morning.

A further 12 shoppers were rushed to Drogheda general hospital for treatment and are said to be in a stable condition. The chief consultant stated that all patients should make a complete recovery, pending a series of victorian hysterectomies.

The controversy erupted early last week with the inclusion of Aldi’s “bargain catalogue” in the weekly RTE Guide. A German branded power washer advertised for 50 Euro quickly became the talk of the town. High profile drinking dens such as  The Camelot and The Sunshine Bar were abuzz with the  prospect of pristinely cleansed driveways and spotless Toyota Glanzas. Expectations were at an all time high for this feisty little north-eastern enclave.

The prospect of not obtaining a pressure washer proved too much for some though, with one reported suicide in the Lower Ard Esmuinn area of the town.

Jimmy ‘The Stab’ Stabson took his own life by drinking a can of Dulux paint on Tuesday night. His legacy, a note to his 11 kids explaining his inability to live in a world without a high pressure fluid delivery system tucked in the cupboard under his stairs. The following morning his wife, Teresa Stabson-Shuffles, broke down in a rare form of coprophilic fit whilst walking to the corner shop in her pink pyjamas. She was rushed to the pub for immediate treatment.

The Aldi group have so far refused to comment on the stampede that claimed the lives of the townspeople, though it is expected that their response will lack humour and be extremely punctual.