Ronnie McGrew appears every Thursday on the Irish Sentinel to talk about the town he loves so well. This week he talks about Dublin’s great sporting traditions and some of its best known sportsmen.

In 1972 Ronnie McGrew was sent to prison by a military court, for a crime he didn’t commit.

It has been widely reported in recent days that many Irish shoppers will cross the border to do their Christmas shopping this year.

Cary Grant - not welcome in Northern Ireland this Christmas

With the favourable exchange rate between sterling the euro consumers are voting with their feet and buying groceries, alcohol and their presents in towns throughout Northern Ireland. Despite concerns from the various Chambers of Commerce in the south the people and politicians of the north are keen to welcome and encourage new visitors.

Iris Robison, wife of DUP leader, NI first minister and Leeds goalkeeper Paul Robinson, and also MP for Strangford, was keen to roll out the red carpet, saying “It’s great for the economy of Northern Ireland to get so many catholics spending their money up here. That means they’re taking money away from catholics down there and with any luck there’ll be another famine. I think the people are coming to Northern Ireland not just for the prices but for the friendly welcome they receive up here”, she said whilst blasting a picture of the pope with the acid urine that shoots from her cavernous vagina.

But not everyone is welcome. Religious idenity can be overlooked but Robinson warned a section of society that they would be better off staying at home. “Let me just make one thing clear”, she said, “we want to keep Northern Ireland as the chaste, pious and uncorrupted nation it is now, so if we see any queers up here we’re going to bash them and put them in prison camps.

They are an abomination of God’s holy law and if they think they can come to Northern Ireland, do a bit of shopping, stopping only to bum each other in the Westwood Shopping Centre, then they’re sadly mistaken. And that goes for lezzers too. Boxes in Northern Ireland are for carrying things in, not for eating like a barbecued crayfish”.

There have been calls for Mrs Robimson to resign over the comments but as one off-the-record DUP member told us “She’s said much worse before and nobody batted an eyelid. Why would that change now?”.

The warning won’t deter gay Irish shoppers though with Shirley Temple Bar promising to ‘flounce up and down the Falls Road with my shopping bags’. Prominent Nothern Irish gay people have condemned Robinson as well with Calum Best saying “I once kissed Linday Lohan and she’s batting for the other side now so that makes me a bit gay or something and you know I’d really like to be on some new reality TV show if you know anyone that’s involved in that kind of thing. Do you know anyone? ANYONE?”

Last night’s enthralling game of tag rugby between Munster and the All Blacks saw the New Zealanders sneak a late 2 point victory but that’s not stopping Munster fans claiming another famous victory.

They did the mash, the Munster mash

It puts in mind the famous day in October 1978 when Munster beat a massively hungover All Black team 12-0. The victory has gone down in the annals as the second most ‘never hear the end of it’ achievement in sport after England’s World Cup win in 1966.

Last night’s defeat may have seen the All Blacks win the game on the scoreboard but in pubs across the province Munster fans were claiming the spoils. “Ah the points don’t matter a jot”, said Gervaise O’Callaghan, a distant and much less handsome relative of Donncha O’Callaghan, “the fact is we did that little gay dance before they did and, even if I do say so myself, we had much more rhythm. I think it shows that Munster rugby is a force to be reckoned with”.

“It’s something we should do before every game”, said John Ryan of Limerick, “but we could take it to a new level. Them All Blacks do the same old dance before every game. We could do a different one each time. Imagine Munster v Toulouse and before the game starts we bamboozle them with a full-on Macarena. They wouldn’t know what’s hit them. Next time we play Leinster we’d have them beaten before kick-off with a modern twist on the habanera and there’s not a team in world rugby that could cope if we introduced a revolutionary cinque-pace/mashed potato combo”.

But not everyone was impressed with the Munster dancing last night. “I thought they looked like twats”, said Kiwi barman Clint Finn.

Boxer Steve Colllins is on trial this week for allegedly assaulting a bouncer. The incident occurred at the National Boxing Stadium in 2006 at an event in which Richard Dunne was appearing.

The court has heard the testimony of security man Adriatik Voda, who claims that the attack occurred when Steve Collins approached the VIP entrance of the boxing arena that night.

Steve Collins - identity crisis

Voda claims that Collins arrived at the stadium without a ticket. As instructed, Voda refused entry to Collins as he did not have his ticket for the event. It has been reported that Collins then suffered an acute attack of amnesia and forgot his own name, repeatedly asking Voda “do you know my name?”

Voda then allegedly radioed through to his boss saying “Jimmy, can you get down here please? There’s a man at the VIP entrance who doesn’t know his own name”.

Collins, becoming increasingly agitated at his sudden bout of fugue, then lashed out at Voda, catching him under the chin with a cheap uppercut and dislodging two of his teeth.

In the resulting fracas, Collins was whisked away in a straitjacket by the men in white coats to Ardee mental hospital for further treatment.

The Sentinel has received a leaked report stating that, despite 2 years of extensive therapy, Mr. Collins still cannot remember his own name and may not be fit to continue trial.

Somali pirates yesterday furthered their reputation as the world’s most fearsome buccaneers as they hijacked the space shuttle Atlantis.

NASA chiefs were left red-faced when the rag-taggle bunch of raiders, armed only with cutlasses, scimitars and fishing nets clambered up the scaffolding just moments before take off. It is believed they stashed the crew in one of the on-board science labs before taking control of the spacecraft. The shuttle is carrying a cargo of dilithium cystals to the International Space Station (ISS) which will then be distributed throughout the universe to Federation vessels.

Thankfully there are no sharks in space

The crystals, mined in Gibraltar, are used to contain and regulate the annihilation reaction of matter and antimatter in a starship’s warp core. Due to the need for natural dilithium crystals for interstellar travel, deposits of this material are a highly contested resource, and as such, dilithium crystals have led to more interstellar conflict than all other reasons combined.

Quite how the Somalis plan to offload the material is unknown at this stage but experts warn that the consequences of them being sold into the wrong hands, or paws, or claws, of flippers, could be catostrophic. “This load of crystals is equivalent to 100% of Gibraltar’s monthly output. It’s an enormous cargo and you would find starships stranded throughout the galaxy unless these supplies are regained”.

Experts are currently in the planning stages of a rescue operation but critics say action must be taken now or it will be too late. “You all know me. Know how I make a living”, said Captain Quint of the USS Orca while scraping his nails down a handily positioned blackboard. “You want your crystals? I’ll get you your crystals”.

The shuttle is currently in an open orbit around planet Barack 75g in the outer rim of the Coruscant system. Communication with the pirates has been impossible as they do not understand English and have no idea how to operate the CB radio in the cockpit.

The Irish film industry received a welcome boost today when it was announced that Hollywood big shot and religious lunatic Tom Cruise is to star in an Irish production early next year.

Tom Cruises into Ahern role

The movie, which is to be a biopic of former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, will be produced by Neil Jordan, directed by Oliver Stone and has a working title of ‘B’. According to insiders it will be a light-hearted look at the reign of one of Ireland’s most controversial politicians, with plans to make Ahern’s life appear more interesting by ‘vaguely’ fictionalising certain parts.

Storyboards show Ahern cacking wildly as he cavorts on the floor of his St Luke’s office throwing old £20 notes into the air. He then phones up his first wife and says ‘You can’t beat a bit of money, an’ all an’ anyway. Isn’t that right?’, before engaging in energetic sex with Celia Larkin, set to be played by transexual superstar Hilary Swank.

It will follow Ahern’s emergence from Penney’s anorak (with mittens attached to sleeves) wearing Fianna Fail lackey to the most powerful man in Ireland behind Gay Byrne. Funding will come from the Irish Film Board and they have described the style of the film as ‘Alfie meets W meets Pan’s Labyrinth meets Downfall meets The Birdcage meets Napoleon Dynamite’.

Other cast members include Liam Neeson as Ian Paisley, Beth Ditto as Mary Harney, Tony Blair as Tony Blair and Mick Lally as Judge Alan P Mahon, the go-getting head of the tribunal which tries to take down Ahern for various alleged financial and planning irregularities. Fluent Italian speaker Paudge Behan was turned down for the role of dumb-as-fuck, down on his luck Irish actor due to his inability to just be himself.

Filming is due to start in March of 2009 with an exact replica of Drumcondra being built in the Moroccan desert.

Friends of portly Setanta Sports pundit Pat Dolan have revealed they’re desperately worried about his health and have urged him to go into rehab to fight his demons.

Dolan eats so fast the food becomes invisible

The former St Patrick’s Athletic manager was recently photographed stuffing his face in Burger King on O’Connell Street in Dublin. Scientists concluded that the mere fact that he appears on television made his gluttony fourteen times worse than anybody else in the restaurant at the time.

A worried pal close to Dolan said “This has been a difficult time for him. If I could compare it to anything else it’s like seeing Kerry Katona pissed off her giant box on the morning TV show the other week. I don’t think it’s unfair to say they’re very similar although Pat’s boobs aren’t anywhere near as saggy as the former Atomic Kitten’s.

We’re very worried about him and obviously when you sink to the depths he has, eating a BBQ Angus with large fries and a large coke in a Burger King, then you’ve got to think rehab is the best thing. It’s the kind of behaviour that most of the general public can’t get their head around. Licking salt and sauce off your fingers is what they expect from monkeys, not from esteemed football pundits”.

Dolan was unavailable for comment today but a Setanta source said “Ooooh, fat man eats burger. Big shock there, eh? Don’t people have anything better to do? And if they don’t they can check out highlights of the Under 16 World Handicapped Hockey Cup from Railway Union on Setanta Sports 1″.

Thousands of teachers descended on the Taoiseach’s constituency over the weekend to deliver an angry message to Brian Cowen over Budget cutbacks in education.

Up to 4,000 primary and secondary school teachers and parents stormed O’Connor Square in Tullamore, Co Offaly, roaring slogans to show their anger at Fianna Fail.

Now only pyschotics want to teach in Irish schools

President of the Irish National Learners Alliance (INLA), Constantine Dalrymple, told the Irish Sentinel just how opposed teachers are to the measures introduced in the new budget. “Obviously class size is a huge issue in terms of education. From Ireland to China to Timbuktu is well known that the smaller the class size the less work the teacher has to do.

If I have 25 students it means I have 25 exams or homework assignments to correct. But if I have 30 this means it’s going to take much more time and therefore it obviously has a massive impact on how much free time I have. It’s about time somebody thought of the teachers here instead of always bleating on and on about how it’s going to affect the kids. Realistically it makes no difference to them if there’s 20 or 30 in a class, they get little or no individual attention anyway so what’s everyone going on about?”

Secondary school Maths teacher, Arthur Plug from Terenure College in Dublin agrees. “More kids simply equals more work for me. We’re the ones that are suffering, not them. I’m finding it more and more difficult to spend time on the important things in life like grooming underage girls in chatrooms. Unless they reduce the class sizes then I don’t see any way forward beyond an all out strike and when parents have their kids at home all day every day then maybe they’ll realise what a complete pain in the tits they are. ‘The children are our future’ they say. That’s all well and good but children are annoying little bastards”.

Minister for Education Batt O’Keefe is warning that nothing is going to change though. “If teachers didn’t realise that children were a pain in the bishop’s gooch before they got into that line of business then that’s tough luck. They can always go work on B&I ferry between North Wall and Liverpool if they don’t like it”.

Further protests are planned for this week with hundreds of PE teachers set to streak across the pitch when Ireland play Poland at Croke Park this Wednesday. A spokesperson for the INLA said hopefully the threat of leathery balls and flaps would make the government come to its senses.

Barrack Obama, in a move aimed at cementing his bipartisan credentials, appears set to make a number of unusual appointments to his cabinet team. Already widely expected to offer Democrat rival Hillary Clinton the Secretary of State role, the President-Elect is going one step further, reaching out to Frank Philpott, a kid who used to beat the shit out of him and steal his lunch money while he was attending Punahou High School in Hawaii.

According to a source close to Obama’s transition team, Philpott, currently serving a six month sentence in Halawa Correctional facility for mating with a monk seal without a licence, is in line to fill the prodigious position of Secretary of the Interior.

The source said: ‘While Mr Philpott lacks any political experience per se, Obama and his team feel that it is important to reach out to people right across, and way, way beyond, the political spectrum. In troubled times such as these, symbolism often becomes almost fifteen times as important as actually achieving stuff.’ Asked whether Philpott’s incarceration would pose a problem, this random guy replied: ‘Nah. Provided there are no more marine life incidents in the meantime, he’s due out in January, You don’t get a lot of turtles in prison. And fuck it anyway, what are presidential pardons for?’.

Melvin has made a full recovery

Mr Philpott, using his spanking new president-electually donated iPhone to speak to The Irish Sentinel from his jail cell, said: ‘Bring it on, baby. I took the fucker down in high school. Can I do it again? Yes, I can! That lanky black cunt was an easy target back then, and as far as I can see, fuck all has changed. ‘Run home to your Granny, bitch!’ I used to say to him, as he hobbled off, snot running down his nose and his boxers buried in his crack. I ate of whole lot of Big Macs on that snivelling pussy’s dime, I can tell ya. Good times, good times. I look forward to bringing those eye-gouging, bollock kneeing days back.’

Other rumoured Obama appointments include  Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Virgil Griffin, to the Depatment of Justice and a rather more predictable selection as Education Secretary: Bosie Talylor Bush, bastard son of George Bush and former Miss Idaho, Misty Dawn Taylor.

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has been charged with attempted murder by the Metropolitan Police following the incident in which he threw a coin into the crowd during Wednesday’s Carling Cup defeat to lowly Burnley.

Wrist action lands Drogba in hot water

A warrant was issued late last night and in a dawn raid on his Upper Tooting mansion the Ivory Coast forward was arrested and taken to Scotland Yard HQ. A police spokesperson said “We can confirm that Drogba has been charged with attempted murder. We have studied video footage and we can clearly see that he spots the person who threw the coin at him. As he is a master of six different martial arts, including Karate, Ju-jitsu, Kung Po and Wang Chung, we can tell by his throwing technique that he was trying to throw the coin with a 36 degree curve on it so it would enter the offender’s ear at 98mph, the optimal speed for slicing through somebody’s head with a 50p piece.

We had no choice but to change the original charge of ABH to one of attempted murder. We are asking that no bail be set as he is obviously a flight risk and if he goes back to the Ivory Coast we’ll never find him. They all look the same over there with their enormous tusks”.

Chelsea have vowed to stand by their man and midfielder Frank Lampard has leapt to the defence of his teammate, saying “Look, let’s ignore the fact that a top level professional footballer felt he had to celebrate a goal against a team like Burnley by taunting their fans, fans with whom he has absolutely no history whatsoever. Let’s ignore the fact he was acting the big man and should, instead, have celebrated with his teammates or the Chelsea fans who have sappily forgiven him for his pathetic antics in the Champions League final.

Of course he shouldn’t have thrown the coin but then their fan shouldn’t have thrown it in the first place. Who is worse? He who throws it back or he who throws it in the very first initial place to start off with in the beginning? I think we all know the answer to that”.

As well as the possibility of spending the next 14 years in Pentonville Road prison Drogba is also facing a 3 match ban from the FA for ‘violent conduct’. There are genuine fears that the severity of this punishment from the footballing authorities might push the player over the edge and he is on 24 hour suicide watch. One of the security guards hired to protect him told us of the painstaking attention to detail they have to abide by.

“I’m an Arsenal fan”, he said. “I’m going to stick the portable on, drink tea and eat biscuits on the overnight shift and if I check in the morning and he’s hanging from the ceiling I might just say ‘Ooops’. I’d probably have a party though. You can come if you like”.

Drogba is not the first footballer to fall foul of the law. Earlier this year Sunderland’s El Hadji Diouf was arrested when a lorry registered in his name was stopped and found to contain 123 Chinese immigrants, Fulham star Danny Murphy was said to be the brains behind the 2004 Northern Bank robbery in Belfast while Liverpool’s Andrea Dossena was arrested and charged with impersonating a footballer.