Some of the leading figures from the online world are arriving in Ireland to take part in the Dublin Web Summit, which gets under way later today.

He moves away from the mic to breathe in

More than 400 people are expected to attend the event at Trinity College this evening. Across Ireland web enthusiasts are frantically freeing up enough space on their iPhones so their voicerecorder app won’t run out of space as they tape the proceedings. While many are looking forward to the speech by the founder of Craiglist, a classifieds website through which one can buy and sell almost everything, including orphans, body parts and sculpted turds, it’s the arrival of some of the web’s most well known characters that is expected to bring 64bit joy to the audience.

“When I first got the call I thought to myself, ‘Ireland? Why would I want go there?’”, said Tron Guy, “but the promise of a slap up meal in the Little Caesar’s of my choice and two nights in the Skylon was too good to pass up”.

“I can’t wait, this is gonna be awesome”, Leeroy Jenkins told the Irish Sentinel. He will appear on stage a few moments before he is scheduled to do so. Practical demonstrations will take place too, with TV star McGyver on hand to show how to get millions of hits from just 2 girls and one cup.

Musical entertainment for the evening will be provided by Numa-Numa Bloke covering Chocolate Rain while a surprise guest appearance from Rick Astley has not been ruled out.

To add some local flavour proceedings there will be a Q&A with drunk guy in a shopping trolley, Twink and Jedward teaming up to do an updated version of Zip of your Mickey, while Imelda from Athlone will demonstrate the manageable size of Apple’s new iPad by inserting one in her gowl whilst having a convict kiss her back better than what her boyfriend does.

However, organisers are said to be ‘disappointed but understanding’ at the cancelling of his appearance by Goatse due to ’severe rectal bleeding’.

There were angry scenes in Dail Eireann this afternoon as the opposition labelled the government ‘a bit shit, really’ in the light of new unemployment statistics.

Aunt Sally was in agreement with Brian Cowen

The latest live register figures show that almost every single person in Ireland is now unemployed but Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the country was being ‘led in the right direction’. To a cacophony of heckling, whistling and some contemplative swearing from Paul Gogarty, Mr Cowen said “You’re looking at it all wrong. Of course if you take the facts in isolation then they look bad. Hundreds of thousands employed. Violent crime increasing dramatically. Houses being reposssessed. Social decline. All of these things look bad but nobody thinks of the positives.

Sure, more people are unemployed but the rate of people becoming unemployed is slowing by up to 0.0003% per month. That’s progress in anyone’s language and let’s not forget that the more people there are unemployed the more jobs there should be for everyone else. And as for crime, there’s a little thing some of us with a bit of vision like to call ‘the future’. How can we dramatically improve crime figures if they don’t get worse first?”

Cowen was backed by Tánaiste Mary Coughlan who said “Oh aye, whatever Brian said is what I think. He’s a wee charmer, isn’t he?”

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore pulled no punches, saying “This government is so clueless you can put that Ray Foley from Today FM in charge and things would improve. Sure, he might be a sub-par, thinks he’s funny but really isn’t, Chris Moyles copycat but I bet he’d get off his zany arse and do something about the crisis this country is facing”.

Having been pummelled by Gilmore, the Taoiseach then faced Enda Kenny, who had the perfect opportunity to deliver the knock out blow but once against spent so long stammering and trying to add a soupçon of cutting humour to his riposte that everyone had gone home by the time he finished.

Things might be bad in the public sector, but spare a thought for the assholes whose job it is to vomit nauseating slogans into your mind – advertisers. Things are so bad that new outdoor ad stealth-megalith, Bravo Advertising, has taken to advertising itself.

Advertising about advertising – normally the preserve of dreadfully sub-standard national broadcaster Newstalk – has taken this turn for the post-modern more out of necessity than any self-referential insight.

Bravo boss-man Meredith Hennessy explains:

“People need something to lift them – what better than upbeat outdoor ads?”

Hennessy went on to outline the rationale behind his ads about his ads.

“It’s meaningless without being clever. Imagine a paper that said it was the last word in print – and you can have that for free!”

But before you could say, ‘run these cunts down with the props from Mad Max 2’, Bravo Advertising were hit with a law suit for their use of the word ‘last’. Today FM lawyers have served notice declaring their ownership of the word ‘last’ in order to top-load their programme names in some sort of empty theme that starts nowhere and makes zero progress.

The real news from Today FM however is that super-bland, if likeable, easy-listening Canuck jock Alison Curtis has been drop-kicked to the milkman shift from her 10-midnight slot. The Today FM Station Director, whose name is coincidentally not an anagram for ‘Denis O’Brien’s cum receptacle’, said:

“I guess she can carry on liking every tune in the world from 5am to 7am.”

Curtis - once unheard of, soon to be unheard

Meanwhile U2 front man Bono has announced plans to masturbate in space. The NASA-funded project aims to ascertain if the raw genetics of self-importance can compete against the classic Newtonian staples of galactic power such as gravity and light.

The football world was rocked yesterday as Scottish giants Celtic signed an unknown Dublin amateur just as the transfer window was slamming shut until the summer.

Keane celebrated his move to Parkhead in typical fashion

Robert “Robbie” Keane, from Tallaght in South Dublin, signed a 6 month deal with the club with the view to a permanent move in the summer. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel this morning Keane explained exactly how the move came about.

“Well, I was up in the Square just blemmin’ around an’ lookin’ at the gear in Champion Sports an’ this fella rang me up and told me Celtic were after goin’ in for me an’ that. So I says “Ask me bleedin’ hoop, Spoony”, coz I thought it was me mate Spoony playing the tricks an’ that, but it turns out it was me agent an’ I didn’t even know I had one.

He says “Robbie, Celtic want ya. They’re offering £100,000 a week and all the training gear you can carry in a holdall”. I didn’t even have to think twice. I went straight home, packed up me xBox, me JayZ CDs and me trainers, and hopped on the first flight to Glasgow. I can’t believe it!”.

A Celtic spokeman said “We believe the signing of this young man will help us catch those dirty protestants in the league. Obviously he’s a fantastic talent and the fact that he already has every Celtic jersey, home and away, for the last 12 seasons made him a hugely attractive proposition for us”.

Keane, a lifelong Celtic fan, like 98% of people who spend their days in betting shops, could make his debut this weekend. Up until now he’s been playing for Tymon Rovers in the Leinster Senior League (Sundays), but Keane and Celtic are confident that he can cope with dropping down a few levels to play in the SPL.

We wish him luck.

The Irish media is abuzz with the news that an anonymous blogger has paid an anonymous celebrity an undisclosed settlement in a libel case.

Details are sketchy at the moment but The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal the nuts and bolts of the case without naming names. It stems from a blog post made in the summer of 2009 in which the blogger accused the celebrity,  a well-known TV presenter, of being a ‘cunt’.

Irish Blogger "40 Consulate" said to be 'worried like shite' over judge's ruling

The celebrity’s lawyers forced the blogger’s hosting company and ISP to reveal details which identified him and served a writ. The blogger in question refused to remove the post or issue the apology the legal team demanded. The case went before a High Court judge in a secret hearing last month where all the evidence was presented.

The celeb’s legal team provided pictorial and written testimony from doctors, physicians, anatomists and world renowned vagina expert John Terry, who supported his claim that he was, literally speaking, not a cunt. Viewing the evidence on its merits the judge agreed that the absence of a labia, clitoris or torn hymen it was inaccurate for the celebrity to be labelled a cunt.

However, he said in taking the action the celebrity had made it quite clear he was, in actual fact, a cock. Nevertheless, he had to agree that the blogger had libelled the celebrity by calling him a cunt and ordered him to make a ‘reasonable’ payout. The blogger in question has not spoken publicly about the award but told the Irish Sentinel that having to differentiate between male and female genitalia when insulting celebrities is going to ’set Irish blogging back years’.

The verdict is likely to open the door to many more legal actions taken against bloggers, with a list of cases already scheduled including Brian McFadden’s action against pop-culture blog, mulch.ie, where he will attempt to prove his head is not made entirely of shit.

In light of criticism of the new speed limits arbitrarily applied to Dublin’s streets, Dublin City Council have responded and informed The Irish Sentinel that is just the first in a series of measures to save the lives of Dubliners killed in our capital each year.

Traffic speeds through College Green

“To say some random councillor just thought this up and it got voted in because we don’t have anything better to do, such as providing water to parts of the city that still don’t have a regular supply, is a nonsense”, said head of Health, Safety and Nannyism, Dave Trafford annoyingly using an ‘a’ where there was absolutely no need.

“Dublin City Council is commited to making the city a safer place for everyone. That means drivers, pedestrians, cyclists, Segway users and foreigners. I think people will be more understanding when they see what else we’re going to do. Then there won’t be this disconnect between the people of the city and the people who run this city”, he said, irritatingly using the word disconnect as a noun when it is, in fact, a verb.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal some of the new measures:

• Pedestrians must pair up and hold hands crossing the road
• Cyclists will be required to wear suits of armour at all times
• All cars to be painted a hi-vis yellow and fitted with spongy bumpers
• Children under 16 must be kept on-lead when walking in the city centre
• A total ban on smoking except in designated areas – former Habitat building earmarked for smoke zone
• New traffic light sequence to go Green > Amber > Red > Really Red

Rumours that a sensible approach to living be implemented, allowing for natural attrition of the population, were flatly denied by council officials who assured The Sentinel they know what’s best, even if it appears they haven’t got the first fucking clue.

Ben Dunne was last night celebrating his new title of King of Irish Advertising having scooped top prize at the National Radio Advertising Awards.

The ceremony is held every year to acknowledge the best in radio advertising and for producers, recording studio employees, voice over artists and advertising industry folks to get pissed, tell each how great they are before going off and bitching about how Mario Rosenstock ‘…isn’t all that anyway. I mean he could never do a film trailer, his voice is just too reedy’.

Ben Dunne was a knockout with his sophisticated voiceovers

The big winner of the night was Ben Dunne who scooped the much coveted Coke-Spoon D’or for overall Best Ad or Ad series. Chairman of the Irish National Radio Advertising Awards board, Lorcan Nugent-McCann, said “There really was no contest this year. Who could not have been moved by Ben’s mellifluous delivery as he weaved a magical web of words to tell us how much cheaper it was to join one of his gyms that have a cappuccino in Dunnes Stores? How could any right minded person resist the velvet intonation as he beseeched us to buy our art from the Nora Dunne gallery? That one, I have to admit, put me in mind of a young Brian Sewell crossed with latter-day Donald Sinden”.

“Those alone would have won him the prize”, he continued whilst alerting a Windmill Lane sound engineer to some powdered residue around his left nostril, “but then came the cream on the top of the already scrumptious cake … Ben Dunne dot com. I liken it to a footballer who has gone around the keeper, then stopped the ball on the goal line before kneeling down and heading it in off the ground. Pure class.  It was a stroke of advertising genius. Only Ben and his lyrical vocalisations could have persuaded people to spend money on something that so many others continue to do for free. He is a man ahead of his time. I’m always aware that advertising people are the best people in the world but I don’t know how we’re going to top this”.

Ben Dunne also won the top prize in the controversial ‘When are we going to tell people to use a voice-over guy instead and stop doing their own ads? Without the repeat fees I can’t pay my mortgage’, category beating off stiff competition from Rory of Elephant Self Storage.

There were also gongs for Wardrobe Elegance in the ‘Most pitifully annoying jingle category’, leaving hot favourites Garmin weeping and swearing revenge for next Christmas, ‘Black and Yellow’ for most memorable ad that nobody can ever remember the product for’ and National Radio cabs for ‘Chip and Pin’ in the ‘Most hackneyed stereotype’ section.

The party went on till dawn, lots of people had sex with people they shouldn’t have, and up to three septums were completely burnt through. Just another normal day in advertising.

You heard the man

I’ll keep this brief.  We’re big fans of Apple hardware here in Sentinel Towers. Corns uses a Macbook Pro to organise cannibal deathmatches in Liberia. I myself cruise the information pornohighway from time-to-time using one, but never without a microwaved pomelo close by. We have faith in Apple’s ability to produce a great operating system in a great computer. It fills the gap better than anything else.

Steve Jobs recently said: “We want to kick off 2010 by introducing a truly magical and revolutionary new product”

Okay, great! Blow my fucking mind, Steve! Show me the magic! Knock my stripey socks off with the Che Guevaraness of it all!

What do we get? A super-sized iPhone?

No doubt the fat fuckers will be queuing up outside the Apple Store in New York, waving for the CNN cameras while their douchebaggery is broadcasted across every continent, forking over their hundreds of dollars for something they couldn’t possibly need.

But don’t worry. Thy God Steve still gets paid. He needs the money for the diamond encrusted toilet seat he sits on as he takes a truly magical and revolutionary new dump every morning.

The Irish Sentinel can blow its own trumpet this morning, and not in the biblical sense, as we unveil the first pictures of Apple’s eagerly anticipated new device.

Apple go back to basics as hype machine kicks into action

Nicknamed the iSlate it is set to revolutionise communication, networking and and e-reading. Some of the features of the new device include:

• Ecological and environmentally friendly ‘chalk’ with which to write. No faulty touch screens, no copy & paste disasters, just easy to use and easy to wipe away limestone based scribblings
• Top of the range Egyptian slate with revolutionary anti-scratch covering built in
• Battery free! Costs nothing to run
• Comes with rugged wooden border on which all manner of books, magazines, newspaper and periodicals can be supported
• Fully upgradable
• Absolutely no need to ever upgrade
• Highly portable, weighing only .75 kilos
• Wifi, 3G, Edge and 4G compatible (with separately sold iPhone add-on)
• Free wiping cloth

Apple disciple Dicky Bannister told the Irish Sentinel, “Steve Jobs, or should I say Goddy McGod, does it again. While all the others go for unecessary bells and whistles like operating systems, electronics and downloadable content, he’s gone back to basics. And the design? I have to admit that I a bit of jizz came out when I saw it. Not a full splodging, but definitely a bit of stuff that wasn’t quite wee, wasn’t quite spunk. To me that’s the sign this is going to be a huge success”.

Apple plans to sell over 5,000,000 of them in the first week basing its figures entirely on the hype generated by how long people have had to wait for it and a flashy Powerpoint presentation by a man in a black polo neck in front of a select audience later this afternoon.

It is also expected the company will announce a new device aimed at pirates, known only at this stage as the iAye.

Gary Neville, Man United right back and wearer of sport’s worst Ronny, has blasted Carlos Tevez ahead of tomorrow night’s Carling Cup semi-final 2nd leg at Old Trafford. After scoring twice against his old club in the first leg, the Argentinian striker responded to his former captain’s sly middle-fingered salute by calling him a ‘boot licking moron’.

Tevez reacted poorly to Neville's latest taunts

Tevez then admitted he could barely speak English despite living England for nearly four years, leading some pundits to claim football was in danger of a pot/kettle overload.

Despite calls for calm from the FA and police, Neville again stoked the fires in an interview with United’s in-house TV Channel, MUTV. He said “Of course a Manchester derby is always a big game and with a place at Wembley at stake this is the most important one for years as City haven’t been this close to a trophy since they did a team bonding tour of the Nou Camp in 2001 and they all had their picture taken in front of the European Cup replica”.

When asked if the game would be extra competitive because of the fallout from the first leg, Neville said, “As the manager keeps telling us, we have to concentrate on our own game and not worry about City. That’s exactly what we’ll do and we won’t be paying any special attention to that hideous monster, although I have to admit I was concerned the game would be moved to after the 9pm watershed in case little children got frightened when he appeared on screen.

I mean, I know I’m no oil painting, or even a charcoal sketch, but he’s a mutant. Give him a head of snakes for hair and Medusa’s own mother wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. God, he sickens me”.

United manager Alex Ferguson has tried to calm things down, saying “Of course Tevez is an ugly bastard who looks a zombie’s abortion but we need to get back to talking about football and not the grotesquely misshapen headed players that City have. I mean, what the fuck is up with Lescott anyway? Is it true his real dad is Commander Worf?”

City’s debonair new manager Roberto Mancini said “Mffff a ppfmm pffff mfppe mmppfff a pfff fpfmmmmhh a mhhhh a mmmmmhhaa” before lowering his scarf and suggesting that no team with Wayne Rooney, Gary Neville and Anderson, clinically proven unable to close his own mouth, could possibly take another to task about having ugly players.

A war of words it may be, but for the neutral fan, we can only hope these words spark scenes of sickening violence on the pitch and, more importantly, on the terraces tomorrow night.